He was also there

I close my eyes and try to see,
the sense in all that's happening to me,
Dusk is settling in, another day gone,
Of lost promises and dreams turned to dust,
The Sun slowly sets on the horizon,
taking my dreams with it, it seems,
Lord, I ask you for you made me,
what are the plans that you forsee?
Puzzled, confused , I want my answers now,
the future is full of Why? When? and How?

An aching soul, a watered down smile,
Downcast eyes, tears brimming, trickle down in a while,
all the guilt and the shame, resurface again,
my mind it plays all the tricks again,
Sin must be the cause, I am the one to blame,
maybe I deserve to feel all of this pain
Self pity creeps in and makes my soul its home,
I single out my pain, and doubt if God really knows.


I close my eyes again to concentrate and strain my ears
to hear the gentle whisper that speaks through the storm,
Cacophony reigns, I cannot hear His Voice,
I am convinced and dejected,
That me, He has rejected,
That's the end of my tether, I am in total despair,
My heart its bruised and hurt, broken beyond repair,
That even God didn't want me, the thought i could not bear.


Suddenly I felt a moistness on my cheek,
I wiped it .. it was blood(!) , I panicked..i freaked,
I looked above my head, to see the source of the blood,
Was suprised to see, twas a picture of the Lord,
It had Him kneeling, His hands folded in prayer,
In Gethsamene, He was laying His heart bare.
Sweat-soaked His forehead, bloodied His brow,
the drop that trickled onto me, was a symbol of love,
Sacrificing His Life as He died upon the tree,
The Purpose of Calvary was to set me free,

He said to me with kind voice, as I held my face to His,
"When alone upon that Cross, I felt exactly like this,
I couldn't hear my Father and cacophony reigned
I called out to my Father and ignorance He feigned,
It broke my Spirit to think that by Him I was rejected,
My heart too was bruised and broken beyond repair,
That my Father did not want me, the thought I too could not bear.
but then I commited my Spirit to his hands, trusted him with all my might
And as I looked heavenward, I saw Him in his glorious light
His arms were open wide, his eyes brimming with tears,
Well done my Son, He said. "Against the Devil, you put up a good fight."

His answer surprised me, I realised with a start,
That Jesus too had felt that way,was indeed a humbling thought,
So I wiped my tears, mustered up my faith and closed my eyes again,
but this time it was different, for I saw My Father through my Pain,
These days when in times of doubt and fear, I strain my ears to hear His voice,
Cacophony still reigns, there is still a lot of noise,
But then I lift my heart, heavenward and whisper a silent prayer,
Father I know you are like my shadow, with me everywhere,
I rest assured and peaceful, though around me there's despair,
My Saviour also felt this way, He was also there.

The Sealing Saga - Part 1

There it was, on the second page of the Times of India, Delhi's premier daily, a fairly big write up and a picture of our office building, the second floor balcony of our office clearly within the frame of the picture. Thankfully, it was without the sign board, which we had just removed a week ago. I stared open mouthed at the piece and realised with nervousness for the first time, that I was going to be affected by an event that was creating national news!! It should have created a flutter, but it gave me panic attacks instead. The MCD 'claws' were closing in on my office space.

You know, reading about the chaos and mayhem is one thing, being part of that mayhem is quite another. Here I was the ' head ' of office of the Delhi branch, sitting and sipping my cup of cool tea, stunned beyond my wits about what was going to happen. my mind was conjuring up images of the Fearful Squad as though they were the Klu Klux Klan, pot-bellied men in their safari suits, their teeth brown and red with stains of tobacco and paan, Cops in their unfriendly khakhi and rude demeanour, and the Media and Press shoving and pushing to take pictures of our office and us, as the defaulters! Defaulters! Criminals!..hoo! boy! i didn't want to make national news of this kind. I imagined us putting up a fight Rang De Basanti ishtyle and then a shiver went down my spine, thinking of the gory end that met the protagonists...."Hmm! what happened?" my husband's question, shook me out of my 'nightmare'. I showed him the news piece. his eyes scanned the piece. he didn't say anything. Just a heavy pause, pregnant with meaning. I stared at him open mouthed. " hmm" he sighed again....hmmm??? just a hmmm?? here i was Paranoia Personified and all he could manage was a " hmmm"....huh!

The scene in office was devoid of the paranoia that I was experiencing. Liz, the Asst Manager was busy at her desk and waved a short 'hi'; Chandini, the trainer was sitting in her track suit and sport shoes in the training room poring over the day's lessons, a few students sat staring at their text books, Kitty, the Nurse Relations Coordinator sat in the same room as Liz flipping the pages of the dreaded TOI morning edition, but obviously not reading it, or she would have been the first one to tell me and there was Pavan, the office assistant obliviously tottering about his everyday tasks. I hated to disturb the peace. A little while later Liz walked into to wish me, and taking one look at me, she took no time in asking me what the matter was.

I passed on the paper to her, with a grim face, true Bollywood ishtyle, my eyes staring glumly at the computer screen, my ears in eager expectation, to hear the gasp from Liz. Sure enough she gasped and said " what are we going to do, Shilpa? "

And with that question began our sealing saga. - A saga that taught us "lessons in sealing" and then came back once again to "test our skills in sealing." A saga that taught me a great deal about team work, relationships, girl power and above all God's love and His Providence through the testing times. It was also about being faithful in small things, in inspiring another and keeping a straight head when all around you are losing theirs. It also taught me that it was okay to not think straight at some time and allow the team to share some of the burden.

There were times when I felt so alone in handling all of the stress,when questions and calls from higher-ups were tough to answer. Therir anxiety was understandable. This was someone else's money that I was dealing with. but one look at my team and the girls and their confidence, I knew i wasn't alone.

it taught me that God can accomplish great things from a completely unlikely bunch of people. I learned patience over frustration, learnt to lean on God. Sealing earned me friendships with colleagues like Liz and Susan and Kitty. Sealing taught me to value my husband and his wise counsel. His rock steady strength was what kept me afloat. In times, when I cribbed about being the Team Leader and wanting to run away and hide in the confines of a new job, he showed me my cowardice and taught me to face my fears, to gather my wits and march on ahead.

But why am i writing about all of this, only to chronicle an event that tested me and I cannot, should not, must not forget the meaning of it. As I look back, I wonder How....how did we and then I see the footprints of the Nazarene - Emmanuel....God with us!!!

To Be Continued...

Random thoughts

You taught me much, even against my will, you stilled my soul and taught me peace within,
These last twelve months, a learning curve, i hope some purpose they will serve,
another year gone, some lessons learnt, how not to get my fingers burnt,
I'll tell them young ones,as time goes by, of the lessons learnt and the fingers burnt.

The year 2007 AD is officially over. I am beholding 2008 AD. A New Year has rolled in. A leap year....another year. But I have not made any resolutions for the New Year....not yet. Instead I am looking back - and in retrospect, 2007 was such a jam-packed year. I notice that the past year, has impacted me a great deal, I find myself dwelling on the events long after they are over. Emotionally, many times, I have experienced exhilaration and exhaustion.

Death was a prominent newsmaker for most of the first half of the year, I attended many funerals including my own Ammachy's funeral. Kangazha ammachy, as we fondly called her, lived till the ripe old age of 85. I oscillated between accepting the profoundity and inevitablity of death of the elderly and coming to terms with the seeming absurdity in the untimely demise of young people, many of them in the prime of their lives. Their Funerals, had a humbling effect on me. A grim yet hopeful reminder of the fact that though death is inevitable, it is important to live the Abundant life, each day...everyday. 2007 was also time for baby boom. so many couples, I knew were either having their children or fell pregnant. I gushed at many of those babies, blessed them within my heart. Many young hearts were united in Holy Martimony pledging their lives together forever. I was also silent witness, to many couples choosing to end their matrimony, their lives separate forever.

Personally, changes and challenges were in plenty. I witnessed the ultimate mayhem created by the MCD sealing. With no clear directives in place, and rules changing everyday, the newspaper notices were our closest ally in understanding whether we fell within the ' to be sealed' zone. Unfortunately, for us, we did and our space was sealed and overnite, we had no office to work out of. The hunt to find a good office space, brought me in close proximity with landlords and property dealers, a shrewd lot of people most times wanting to palm off a not-so-appropriate premises, to a desperate tenant, almost always on their terms. The good side was that through those trying times, I learnt to appreciate, the strength and wisdom of Mancha (Manoj) my husband, whose confidence in me kept me going. There were other changes too. I changed my job, we changed our car, I travelled 4 times to Kochi, celebrated my Anney ammachy's 80th birthday in April, i created my own blog, met old friends on Orkut etc etc etc...the list is endless. through it all, there were many lessons learnt...many unlearnt, these events taught me a great deal, they have changed my impressions about people, about things, about events. They helped in shaping my view about life.They are part of the effort of making me the Unique Woman of God that Christ has intended me to be. They have taught me to see the hand of God in my life. He has a reason and a season for everything!!!

As I behold 2008, i am overawed by the presence of the Lord in my life. What am I that the Lord who created the universe is so in love with me!!! " You are His favourite" my friend remarked with a pinch of friendly jealousy, in a conversation we had sometime ago.Though said in passing, it was a comment that left me feeling very good. it was one thing to be favourite friend, daughter, sister, quite another to be called God's favourite. I know God has no favourites, He loves all His children but there is something magical about His love that whoever He loves, if the person chooses to revel in that love, will always feel that God loves him/her as though he/she were the last person on the planet!!! well! that's Jesus for you!!!

i want to end this post with the following verses from a song, coincidentally these were also on my wedding card....this will sum up my expectations of the year 2008!

I do not know what lies ahead, the way I cannot see, but one stands near to be my guide, He'll show the way to me, I know He holds the future, He will guide me with His hands, with God, Things Don't just happen.....everything by Him is planned.

So is it going to be just another year in my life...hopefully not.....Happy New Year, everyone!!!

Pen mightier than the Sword?!

Whoosh! Phhatt! The newspaper fell with a thud in the stairway of my third floor flat. Rolled up tight, shaped like a baton, secured by a black elastic band, were two newspapers the Malalyala Manorama and the Times of India. I stooped down to pick the baton up, removing the band, I smoothened it flat.
Both papers had diferent headlines, whereas the Manorama carried a huge picture of the assassinated ex-PM Benazir Bhutto, the TOI chose to pay tribute to Dhirubhai Ambani, for reasons best known to them! Ofcourse Reliance must have bought the space, after all they have the money to buy this entire country if they like!!! Ambani smiled at me from the first page; but to stay politically correct, the newspaper placed its masthead on the first as well as the third page where original news began, in a feeble attempt to show parity.
It angered me to see that a newspaper of prominence should choose to relegate the news of the assassination of a great leader to the third page. Agreed, there could be justifications for placing the advert glorifying Ambani Sr, in fact, even I would have accepted it as front page news on any given day but not on a day when terrorism raising its ugly head chose to murder a symbol of democracy for a country that is experiencing the pain of trying to restore a just government. After all, she is our neighbour. This is the time to show solidarity. She needs us now!

Yesterday's assassination was proof enough of the fact that terrorists are fighting their own selfish war and not to emancipate any one community or trying to bring about justice for anyone. Their methods are gruesome, their acts ruthless, their purposes mindless.
And the media, the media that ought to wield its pen, supposedly mightier than the sword, to condemn this gruesome act in the strongest of words, chose to deal the blow softly. As a student of history, I recall what a mightly role the newspapers of the time played in igniting young minds to fight the Freedom Struggle for this country. But sadly today's newspaper, seeks to ignite young minds to believe that only Money can get you anywhere.
Aren't the first words of a baby's, the first rays of the winter sun, the cry of the rooster at the crack of dawn, the most memorable and impactful, heralding a message, a Truth? The truth of today's TOI edition was a huge disappointment.
The truth that Money is stronger than Ideals. That the same Money can be used to buy space in the newspaper and to buy the guns that killed Bhutto.
I wonder what happened to all the attempts to make peace with the Neighbour, the Samjhauta Express, the ' friendly ' cricket matches, Pakistani bands playing in India and gaining both acceptance and popularity. The assassination of Benazir Bhutto is an attack on their democracy, on justice at large. it should create a fear in our minds that soon Freedom may be a distant dream, that this is an assassination of our own dreams, ideals and free opinions. And therefore we must speak out. Our headlines should scream contempt towards such dastardly acts. And the Media should responsibly create that empathy, that passion, that conviction instead of falling prey to economic strength...Jai Hind!!

Corrigendum: This may not be a well-written piece..but it sure is heartfelt...dear readers, we all need to use our minds and hearts to understand the Cause for which we stand...Let us stand for Something or we will fall for Anything.

For her!

A powerful woman though frail in frame, what can I call her? u give her a name!

A maze of thoughts and emotions, is she, she feels many things at once and yet her demeanour never reveals,

Decades of life she has seen, with its twists and turns, some bizarre, some real,

Her spirit was bruised, beaten and broken, yet she reminded herself, she was broken for a reason.

She is beneath all the layers of let-downs, heartache, expectations and fears,

Revealing herself to none, sheilding her sorrows, she cannot let her guard down

Inside they stay, all bottled up, clogging her Soul, threatening to get her down,

The mirror smiles at her reflection, the lines seem to speak of a story - real not fiction,

She has often wondered what dreams and desires are made of, for she cannot seem to remember her own.

Dreams she has seen for those around, her own dreams?!... well they don't seem to count,

Look deeper, those lines she calls wrinkles have stories to tell,

Of a life less ordinary, lived with extraordinary courage,

Death, birth, union, discord, insult, hurt, love, laughter, tears,

Yes! those wrinkles have stories to tell

The mirror smiles at her reflection, the lines seem to speak of a story - real not fiction,

Grey hair playing hide n' seek remind her of the times gone by,

Carefree days of childhood, food on the table, friends in the park,

Summer hols, Enid Blytons and playing after dark

Country music, a game of darts, jaunts after dinner, chocolates and tarts,

Those days were of Peace, of finding Joy in things small,

Of cosy banter with friends, neighbours et al,

those days of yore, shall never come back, those days she does not want 'em back anymore,

what she longs for is the Joy, the Peace, the Carefreeness that her days now seek,

Would she wish upon a star for a life different?

would things have been better, if Life gave a second chance?

The mirror smiles at her reflection, the lines seem to speak of a story - real not fiction,

Those thin lines etched deep speak of a silent resilience and a steely resolve,

Yet at the sight of her Man and her brood, the resolve, dissolves.

Her brood is hers, her identity, she sees her Self in them,

yet there are days of doubt and despair, when losing her own identity, she feels that their lives have no room for her,

She fears that she hasn't done much for them, no contributions, no tall claims in building their lives,

Franctically she searches for traces of her share in their growing up... disappointed to know that there isn't much she did>

Not realising that her Presence, just her presence always healed, always mended, always reassured...yesterday.. today ..tomorrow...everyday

Dark circles around bright eyes are witness to the sights she has seen,
They are much like the outline of her life, Bolder and darker and deeper with each passing day,

The mirror smiles at her reflection, the lines speak HER story - real not fiction,

The story of a young girl, who blossomed into Womanhood albeit, prematurely,

Whose wisdom and counsel are much sought, a wisdom gained having experienced things rare,

Whose kindness and benevolence are praised sky high, but these virtues she gathered in her ordinary life,

Patience, compassion, goodness and grace , " an attached detachment " her Life's phrase

Now She speaks to her Self in confident voice, she will fight the fight, she will not give in.

A powerful woman though frail in frame, what can I call her? u give her a name!

She smiles at the Mirror, assured and strong, knowing that Surely God could not go wrong.

My Restlessness...His Rest

Feel listless today, restless and sore, the brain is all fuzzy, it don't work any more,

Don't feel His presence, He seems faraway, there seems to be none who has time to care,

all are busy with their million tasks, all seem to say - 'you don't have a part'

loneliness sets in though strangely i am, surrounded by a crowd of a hundred and nine.

where is my space? can i carve my niche? my voice within goes unheard, though i screech

All i can hear are the whirring PCs, click-clacking keyboards, Mouse and machine!

somedays are like this, dull and sore, where fake smiles and handshakes are such a bore,

competition's strong, it can get you down, welcome to the world of ' fury and sound'

I feel fear within, i wish to hide, but I want to feel secure, I wish to feel ' at Home',

I plug my ears tight and block out the noises, I close my eyes shut and hope the world pauses

And then through the Solitude I hear a sweet voice - lean on Me, my little one, hold on tight,

Learn from Me, Trust me, My burden is light.

I am your Friend, you're carved on my Palm, surrender yourself, experience My calm,

Believe I have plans, plans for your good, situations and circumstances, I can use for your good,

You need to rest, let your murmurings cease, give me your sorrows, feel happy- at peace,

Peace fills my soul, I am washed in His love,

His are the Everlasting Arms I call Home.

The Empty Manger

The stage was set, the lights aglow, she added the finishing touches to the 'show'
The manger looked real, so beautifully done, but where was the Baby, he was not to be found,
'Who would notice?, ' what was the need? Last year too none had paid heed.

"Get on with it", yelled a Committee Member, ' haven't got all day, for you to play with hay.'
"He'll be here any moment!'', growled another, ' Who? Jesus? ', she asked, with an innocent smile
' No, the Chief Guest you silly, with a bio-data as long as the River Nile! '

Quickly she started to clear all the hay, motioned to a young man, to help her make way.
He ran up to her and tried to chip in, " here, clear this mess before the Chief guest is in'
From the corner of her eye she peered at the stranger, 'do you come to this church? ', her question seemed stranger.
' I live around here ', he cheerfully replied. ' Haven't you seen me, with my smile so divine? '
' That's a bit queer, for I thought I knew all, but you I haven't seen ever... at all.'
He looked crest fallen at her sudden repartee, she guessed he was hoping she'd be more friendly.
'You are not the only one who's going to say this , ask any member, he would never have noticed.'
'Who has the time or the intention, to look out for me or seek my intervention? '
'That's not fair ', she said with a frown, ' This church is the warmest amongst all in town.'
You would say this , you're part of this crowd, but tell me how many really care about Christ.
'Christ is the one whom we celebrate, Why, Don't you see our labour so great? '
' I can't hear your carols in the din of the committee voices, the egos, the tempers, they are all loud noises.'
'You fought over what the programs should be, you didn't include everyone, even the Nazarene! '

' The manger you so carefully arranged, has left out the Saviour ', he said with pain.
She cringed with embarrasment, she couldn't deny it, it truly was a cause for disdain.

Who are you? she asked indignantly, 'I am Jesus who you left out of your manger, completely.'
' Isn't this my birthday, you so proudly celebrate, with lights and gifts and wine and cake?' ;
Yet your manger is empty and so are your hearts, for there is no room for me in whole or in part.'
'I am just a variable, changing every year...but "Xmas" is empty without Christ in it, dear.'
What He said was true, as I turned around to see, everything was about Santa and the Christmas tree.
Everyone was busy with the preparations, but Christmas isn't only about festivity and imagination,
Wasn't it just a ' show' she thought, the Christ child was not born in any one's heart.

her heart sank within her, there was a sudden lull, Christmas without the Christ child would be so dull.
Suddenly her eyes settled on a pile, tucked between festoons , was the figurine of the Christ child!
She picked it up with nimble fingers, held it up for Him to see. He smiled and said ' now Christmas is complete.'
' You will find Me but only if you seek, amid the pile of your festivities.'

Now the stage was set, the lights aglow, she turned to see Jesus but He was there no more,
but Christmas was born in her heart that day, and she knew it was no longer... a ' Show'