He Strengthens Me

Cry out my heart, let the soreness slip away with the tears, the heaviness in my heart that weighs me down,
Negativity that sucks me into the deep abyss of despair; weakness and hopelessness surround.
My heart wants to holler at the mundane around me, to scream profanities at the foolishness around me,
Questions, questions, more questions I see, Peace, Hope and Faith, these virtues elude me.
There is a battle within, a war in my soul, as though my soul is two pieces of a whole,

I quell the voices within and the feeblest one, I pick,
The one that gently tells me not to fall for the Evil One's trick
To believe is a choice, a tough one to make, but I will make it for His Name sake,
Faith is the answer, His love is the key, I can do all for He strengthens me.

Surprises...good surprises

It came as a pleasant shock when the husband told me that we were taking off to Agra the next day! You know for one, my husband is not really into travelling and definitely not into spur-of-the-moment plans. He is a very careful spender. The kind who saves for a rainy day and me, well...let's just say, i am not the careful spender that he is, though I am sure he wishes I would be. so when he suddenly told me that we needed to take off for a weekend holiday, i was pleasantly taken aback.

I realise that with time now, that we are the proverbial DINK (Double Income No Kids- for the uninitiated), who have reasonably good paychecks, live on our own and don't have to think twice about packing our bags and leaving for a holiday. There have been times when I have moaned to the Lord about not blessing us with children. He chides me, when I complain and tells me to bask in His love for me and to wait on Him.

And sure enough, I love the way God packs a blessing into everything. its like you open your tiffin during lunch at school, to realise dismally that its the same ol' BBJ (bread-butter-jam), that you've begun to detest but then Amma has also packed a bar of KitKat and that's what makes you look forward to finishing your BBJ and then relish the chocolate. (did you get the comparison??)

So on friday night after dinner at 10:30, we sat to surf the Net to look at the various weekend getaway options available. i just love the premise on which the Internet is built - Sharing! If used well, I think it is such an amazing tool which teaches us that it is only in Sharing that we Grow. it is quite the opposite of the idea that says- Don't let the other person know your skills, for fear that he might take it. The Internet strongly believes that No one can take away your mind from you. that's yours, yours alone and no one can steal that from you.

Anyway the Internet gave us 'too' many options. Jaipur, Agra, Nainital, Mussourie, Manali etc...etc, so we decided to 'disconnect' and zeroed in on Agra. Since he would do all the driving, it was better to chose a closer place. that done, we called up our friendly neighbourhood Malayalee tour operator, who promptly suggested to us a hotel of our 'type'.

The most pleased about our trip was our maid, my all-in-one, dependable Razia, who must have been praying to Allah for a 'holiday'. Her otherwise solemn face, lit up like the thousand bulbs on Rajpath in Dilli around Beating-the Retreat, when she heard about her unexpected holiday. 'Apna honeymoon enjay karo', she said cattily, to which my husband seemed visibly surprised at the use of the terms 'honeymoon' and 'enjoy' by Razia. Razia is actually pretty good with English terms, almost leading me to believe that she has a fetish for the language. I have often heard her use English terms with great ease, not even stopping to check if they were appropriate. She doesn't show the same regard for Malayalam and is kind of 'embarassed of the language. But whatever language she speaks, she is an angel.

I suspect this entire trip was Razia's doing. Her life reminds me of the lines from the Alchemist - when you want something really badly (read: holiday), the entire universe conspires to help you achieve it. Speaking of which, I strongly suspect that she must have wanted a break on Sunday and would have not wanted to ask me but would have wanted it desperately anyway.

God bless her, thanks to her...I got to see the Taj...More on the trip in my next post!

Breakfast for the Boys- John 21

Uh! okay, Bloggie...so you're mad at me for not visiting you in a while. Well, I haven't been able to give much thought to my words or rather I haven't been able to give words to my thoughts...See! how confused I am! Anyways this one is a rant...to be read by all the readers of this blog. I mean, why can't people leave a comment on the blog itself? Unless they want to say something really nasty, which has not happened thus far. It would make me really happy,to see a comment on this blog. It is so encouraging to see a mail saying 'New Comment' on blog. but i get to hear it on mail or in person or on the telephone.
Come to think of it, we are all such social creatures...atleast I am. I am amazed at myself because when I started this blog I told myself that this was only my free mind putting across my free thoughts and that I 'didn't care' if someone read them or not.Well, it doesn't seem like I am holding on to that philosophy any longer. I want to be read and encouraged!!!

Personally I think encouragement is just so important in life. To be told that what we do/ did is good or that it makes a difference.. I am sure it is the same case with most people, Encouragement works like magic. Flattery ofcourse, doesn't get one anywhere but true encouragement can do wonders to the soul. Christ is a great Encourager.

I am reminded of the time when after the Crucifixion and the Resurrection, the disciples went back to fishing... their old trade, and even after a whole night of toil... they caught no fish..It must have been so disappointing to know that the ocean, once their 'friend and mainstay' who had always given itself in abundance to them, was suddenly 'empty'. And then they see Jesus who encourages them to cast their nets to the 'other' side. And what a catch it was ...153, silvery, slippery, delicious fish!. The disciples' eyes' must have popped out of their sockets.
Methinks, when Jesus said cast it on the other side, He meant cast it onto the side of 'faith'; this was the hitherto unseen side of the ocean - the ' faith side' that the disciples had missed seeing.
Also note how Christ doesn't get angry at them for getting back to their 'old ways', back to fishing. He could have been irritated and told them that He had, for three years, taught them to be Fishers of Men! but yet the minute He was crucified, they thought all had ended and they went back to fishing. Three years of training, of prayer, of seeing miracles, of preparation all gone down the drain....in this case down the sea!!

It is like Amma taking three hours to teach me Math and I shake my head to show that I understand and yet after half-an-hour, I still make the same error... it is so exasperating.
As a leader and as the Son of Man, He may have been disappointed but as God, as Father, He didn't get angry that they had gone 'back to square one.' Instead there too, He fulfilled their need and asked them to cast their nets on the other side.

i believe that Jesus did this to show that even in our daily everyday things , things that we think, we know like the back of our palm and yet we err in - even in those things God can work.
The disciples, were confident, while Christ was with them (in human form) and while they were with Him, they were genuinely 'good boys' who did everything without question and wanted to please Him, even if it didn't make sense to untie an unknown person's little donkey and to tell Him, that the Master' had asked for it.

Even in my walk with the Lord, there are moments when I am so filled with His spirit that all I want to do is please Him, yet there are other times when i don't know how to pray and I try all my old ways. But He gently chides me for not casting on the 'faith side', but never gets angry. He understands our fraility as human beings, yours and mine. I am sure it must have disappointed Him nonetheless that His disciples, who were literally His shadow, and whom He had prepared for such a great Commission, when He was no more with them in physical form, they did not realise His spiritual presence and went back to their old trade.
Yet He encourages...he blesses them with another miracle and this time not only do they catch fish, they catch 153, their nets stay unharmed and what's more He is waiting on the shore, ready to cook Breakfast for the Boys....what a loving Father , Friend, Encourager, God!!

Which brings me back to my rant that I wish that people who read my blog would encourage me by posting their comments on my Blog itself. Try it people, it will make this blogger really happy..

My Brother's Prayer

It wasn't eloquent, words cascading like waterfalls, there wasn't much clarity of thought or the choicest vocabulary. Yet it was one of the most beautiful prayers I had ever heard. It is something that has stayed with me as a beautiful reminder of the fact that when we talk to people we are guarded, our speech seasoned with salt, our words carefully chosen, but with God...there are no such rules...He is the only one who understands the gibberish in our prayers. My brother's prayer was simple, straightforward and from the heart, in fact he has not even bothered to change the words of his prayer- what he was taught at the age of 6 has stayed with him as he turns 26. Family prayer was an integral part of our growing up years. I still recall Amma constantly calling..."Shilpa, Ashish come to pray." This Azaan (Call for Prayer) was a daily ritual at 6:40 am, just before we left for school. Appa would invariably be under the sheet or razai (depending on the weather), staring sleepily at the newspaper trying his best to look as 'fresh' as possible so his little ones did not feel that they had a raw deal in getting up so early for school. There was always a certain order to our family prayer and we both knew how it was supposed to be. First, Amma would read the Bible, then the Daily Reading, my brother would pray first, then I and finally Appa would pray in Malayalam and we would then round it off with the Lord's prayer. Then a mad scramble to the bus stop. Tiffin boxes shoved into our bags, down a glass of milk and we were off! Amma taught both of us the first prayer we ever prayed.

• It had to start with a Thankyou to Jesus for the morning that he had blessed us with.
• Then a list of all the 'important' people in our lives whom we had to 'bless' in His name
• Any people/relatives who were ill and needed special prayers. I remember us praying for the heart operation of amachy's sister. She had a hole in her heart.
• Any known people travelling were prayed for and wished a safe journey.
• Exam days meant special prayers for an ' easy question paper '
• Special events like birthdays, anniversaries of dear ones were also remembered.
  

It has been years since those days of family prayer. Much has changed. My prayer has become more eloquent. I do feel blessed that God has given me the ability to remember verses and to pray. I know it is His grace. I can recall verses and parables and I pray using those, with no other intention, but to make my prayer more meaningful and to glorify the Lord and once in a while earn a compliment or two. but I feel guilty that sometimes I find myself 'practising' my prayers because i want to impress!! But Ashish, I know, is very content with his style of praying, sure of himself and knowing well, that flattery or spouting long verses are not going to get him anywhere with the Lord who knows him for what he is. I remember him in his teen years, arguing with Amma to raise the curfew time of 9 for him to get home. Whatever time he came back, however tired he may be, I would see him sit up on his bed, hands folded, eyes tight shut, lips sometimes silently moving in serious prayer. He is no saint, though my grandma would vouch that there ' Aint no Sun, shinier than her golden Boy', he did all the naughty things that boys his age do, he got caught for most of them, but everyday in his own way, he went back in prayer to his Redeemer, baring his soul, seeking forgiveness, making candid confessions, asking for counsel from the One who made him.

As of now we are all in different places Cochin, Delhi - and my brother Ashish is in another continent! But I miss hearing him pray. To this day, I am sure he prays the same way. and you know what....I am also sure that the Lord listens.

Dear Ashish, you just turned 26, last Sunday, and I believe that you prayed the same prayer in your heart as you rose from bed...the one that Amma taught you. I may have never mentioned this but I want you to know that I am truly impressed by your prayer. it is sincere and from the heart with no pretensions. i do hope that the simplistic zeal with which you pray will keep you closer in your walk with the Lord at all times. Your compassion, kindness and the loving heart that you are blessed with are qualities that will hold you in good stead. All those around you feel truly blessed by your life and I pray that in the coming years too, you continue to bless our lives. I pray that the Lord blesses you abundantly and my fervent wish for you is that in the coming years, you continue to pray and grow in the Lord and pass on the prayer to the next generation..the same prayer that Appa and Amma taught us years ago is the prayer that is keeping us alive and united even as we are miles apart . God Loves you and SO DO I !!!!
Happy birthday Bro!!!

Dress Sense - a not-so- Short Story

Sudha was a conservative dresser, conscious about her height and her physique. Fashion to her meant comfort and not having to adjust plunging necklines or tugging at tops too short to hide her ample derriere! Salwar kurtas were her clothes of choice and people who cared most had almost always told her that her frame was best suited to the Salwar Kameez. they reminded her of her home in Kolhapur, Amma at her sewing machine, lovingly 'designing' kurtas for Sudha. Yes! They made her feel 'at home'.

Office fashion was undergoing a slow metamorphosis.She wasn't one to follow the trends. So she wore the pretty salwar kameezes, her favourite colours being green and black and white, they seemed to monopolise her wardrobe. But India's commercial and economic skyline was changing, Western companies were affecting the way people thought, ate and even dressed. IZEE technologies, where she worked, was no exception. Suddenly Power Dressing meant Trousers-Suits-Scarves. Sarees were a thing of the past, an attire for another generation, or to be saved for 'special' occasions. India had more options, more stores selling western wear suited to the Indian woman. No longer did one have to wait for a relative living abroad to send something that was one's size and looked good too. And so there was this urge to metamorphose from traditional to trendy. She decided she would invest in some 'westerns'. She would free herself of the mind block and make herself comfortable with this new decision she had taken.

"Wow! Miss Sudha Patil, you look great,pal!" said Tanya and Lata in chorus. They were pleasantly surprised at the sudden transformation. Tanya, Lata and Sudha had joined office on the same day. Similar backgrounds, similar tastes and similar interests brought them together. They were typically birds of a feather and so logically they flocked together.
'Thanks guys, frankly I was a little nervous', said Sudha,tugging at her top for the umpteenth time. 'Amma won't be happy at all', and to think that I invested nearly 10,000 bucks on my card to buy this stuff!,Thank God atleast you liked it'

'This looks fine on you. it will takes us some time to get used to the 'New You'! Though I hope will see you in those pretty salwar kameezes too. And you spent 10 grand!!!! Woah! that's quite a figure,'quipped Tanya.

'Arre yaar! i just thought, we are working in this MNC and everything around us is American, thought i should change with the times. We are working US times, eating hamburgers, why not wear their clothes too...You should try it too. I think in some sense it is liberating...to let go of the Small town Girl tag....and somehow I feel Reema, Riya and Pooja have an edge over us because of their clothes. Don't you think so?' Sudha said.

I don't know! Maybe they do, but really,at the end of the day, isn't it our brain factor than the drool factor that really matters?!' Tanya reasoned.

Anyway this change is for the better and so long as you don't change as a person, that's all that we care about, right Tanya?, Chalo! atleast there's one from our group who is into stylish Western, India's answer to JLo?!! , grinned Lata.

Weeks went by and Sudha dealt with stares, admiring looks, flirtatious glances, she was enjoying all the attention. but she also noticed a major change in her own attitude. she was suddenly more 'open.' she didn't mind a casual touch, a handshake a tad too longer, a lingering gaze, a casual wink. The other day Reema had walked up to her to ask her join her for lunch. it was the first time in the 10 months of having joined IZEE technologies that she was not lunching with Tanya and Lata. She could feel the distance that had crept in between Tanya, Lata and her. They often called her, but she always had an excuse, as though being seen with them was suddenly, a little awkward. She wanted to be 'Reema's friend'. She ignored the warning signals of a friendship at the brink of breaking. Was this truly her? Or is it that people perceived her according to the clothes she wore? Frankly she didn't care because at this time she was relishing the attention.

The most meaningful glances came from him. Jaydeep Mulgaonkar, her boss. Jai was gorgeous. With a curly mop of dark brown hair, freckles and a dimple in his left cheek, he was a real looker. he was a topic of discussion with most of the women in the office who went ga-ga about his looks. Sudha had known Jai's family since she was a kid. They had lived in the same block, went to the same schools and their fathers worked in the same office. In fact it was Jai who had recruited her at IZEE.
She noticed that he often came to the vending machine, diagonally opposite to her cubicle, constantly filling cups of tea or coffee all the while, furtively glancing at her. It sometimes sent a 'happy' shiver down her spine. Sudha always knew she had feelings for Jai, even as a shy teen. She wasn't sure what he felt. But his glances were confirming her secret joys.

Week after week, she noticed him looking at her. At the next team meeting, he took a place opposite her. She was sure that it was to attract her attention. Her persona was changing, the shyness and naivety were a thing of the past. Her obsession with Western wear was taking a toll on her. All day long she thought of combinations to wear, Navy blue trousers-white shirt-red sweater or may be the soft grey sleeveless sweater.... Salwar Kameezes were blase, she had Jai's attention now and she was not letting go. She believed that the Western look had done it!

"I think you should stop it, Su, it looks silly and so obvious that you are all over Jai. it embarasses him too.Agreed you've known him but He is your senior and I think this will adversely affect your appraisals, your work is getting shoddy and this is the 5th time that you are messing up the proposal this month. you cannot do this. What's wrong with you? where is the Sensible Sudha,who was so careful about her presentations, so commited to her profession, so upright and what happened to the precision with which you worked? Did you notice Reema and Riya, they were trying hard to stifle a giggle as you made a fool of yourself at the team meeting. Do something before it is too late," said Lata angrily. Tanya nodded in agreement.

Sudha, however, did not agree.

TWO MONTHS LATER

Half-yearly appraisals were on. Sudha was dead sure, she would get a good score. Sure, there had been hitches in the last 2 months but they would take into account the months of hardwork before this. And to top it all, Jai was doing her Appraisal. She surely had an edge. She had it all planned, after the appraisal she would speak to Jai. Sure she was shy, but as a Woman of the 21st century, she would not wait for the man to propose, she would do it herself. The morning of her appraisal, she took a long, hard look at her cupboard. The salwar kurtis, in neat, untouched piles demanded her attention. As usual she picked a sleeveless,white blouse. A tad too tight, it showed off her curves, she had put on a little more weight, she thought to her self. the trouser too fit a bit too snug. She casually draped a blue printed stole and slipping on her black stilletoes, she checked herself for one last time in the mirror. The mirror told her the truth. Once again she chose to ignore it.

The air in office was ridden with tension. Tanya and Lata sat on their respective seats and smiled, formal smiles. The bonhomie that the 3 had shared was clearly over now and deep down, Sudha felt responsible, but right now she didn't care. Sudha switched on the computer to check the list of people lined for the appraisals. She was the 7th. the last one before lunch. Her turn came at 12:00 noon, she walked in with poise and confidence. Jai sat across the table and asked her to take her seat. The discussion began about her individual goals, strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, company goals. He was clearly angry. His kind eyes were clearly disapproving of her and especially of her clothes. She nervously adjusted her blue stole.
'You have changed!, Sudha. Over the last 2 months. I have been hearing constant complaints about you. Your work is shoddy, your look has changed, your concentration is elsewhere.I....I think you should go in for modelling and not IT. The Sudha I recruited is missing now,' Jai's response pierced her heart like an arrow.

The rest of the appraisal was as expected. The ratings were much below expectations and being Team Leader, was clearly out of question.
Dejected, Sudha arose to leave.

" Sudha, wait, I know you are upset but you brought this on yourself. I am sure if you are more focussed, you will give it your best shot.
She nodded, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to trickle. She wanted to leave and not allow the tears to embarass her there. But Jaydeep was clearly in no hurry.

'lets just keep the office matters aside for a while, okay?! let me give you some news. IZee is posting me to the US for 5 years"

"You know Amma has been pestering me to get married. since Didi got married, she is after me to settle down. I finally said Yes and she just sent me the photo of the girl they picked! I know that this is not the most opportune time. But i have to give my answer tonight. Take a look and tell me your honest thoughts."

Jai's deep baritone and the evident sarcasm in his voice angered her. This clearly was not the best time for him to discuss his personal life. She wanted to say 'No' and leave! But after all, he was the Boss and after that terrible appraisal, she could have been demoted or worse, lost her job.

Sudha swallowed the familiar lump in her throat and smiled weakly. Without a word, she stretched out her hand and took the photograph from Jai's hand.

What she saw shocked her! It was a picture of her taken the last time she went home. Graceful, in a white crisp salwar kurta, she almost looked angelic.

" I..i..its Mm..me?

With the picture was a note that said - Sudha, it would make a lot of horse sense to stick with good friends and to this dress sense.....Will You Marry me, Sudha Patil!!!

That's when it made Sense....to Sudha.

Salwar kurtas are now her clothes of choice because people like Jaydeep and Tanya and Lata who cared most had almost always told her that her frame was best suited to the Salwar Kameez.

Methinks

Have been doing a lot of thinking lately. lots of thoughts crossing my mind. you know sometimes my mind so full of things and keeps jumping from one thing to another, that i cannot concentrate. it is as though i am on this merry go-round and things are just whizzing past me. so methinks this post is going to be about all the things that i have been thinking about.
i thought a great deal about live-in relationships versus marriage, when a friend mentioned it. so is it becoming the preferred way of life? I think Convenience has taken over Commitment. Preferences now depend on this basic premise. I used to think that may be guys would prefer a live-in and not women. i presumed women were more hell-bent on the commitment aspect. then again, maybe they want a live-in to eventually become marriage. Or they probably want it only for societal reasons. i don't have too many thoughts on it...but i don't want to be judgemental without knowing the reasons as to why people prefer it that way. As for me, i am a stickler for marriage...guess I belong to the Archaic School of Thought.

God's also been speaking to me about being in His Light.When I say being in His light I am referring to 1 John 1. i have met so many people who are scared to make that commitment to Christ, i have begun to believe that it has a lot to do with walking in the Light. Walking in the Light means not only that God can see You but that You can see yourself in that light. And that Scares the Hell out of you!
it used to do that to me also. I made a commitment to Christ about a decade ago, before that i was just a Christian, but i really committed myself to Christ about a decade ago and I struggle in my Walk in the Light. Because You see yourself for who you are. You suddenly become transparent. God keeps convicting and congratulating you depending on your deed.So much so that many times, I can hear the Spirit tell me that this is wrong, I mean He shows it to me in His Light. There are some days I feel I look really ugly and somedays I feel so beautiful.
Commitment would definitely mean seeing yourself in His light. the awareness of the filth in the soul is painful and fearful.

God's also nudging me to think of my larger purpose. I have been asking God to help me find out what He wants me to achieve. Maybe even through this blog? He has been convicting me about this blog too. There are times when i think my aim becomes glorifying myself and not God through this blog. i mean i am thinking of how to make my blog more readable and try and use good vocabulary to impress. but that wasn't the purpose of Musings by Pottersclay.I should have thought hard and long when i named my blog. You see being Potter's Clay is tough.

He was also there

I close my eyes and try to see,
the sense in all that's happening to me,
Dusk is settling in, another day gone,
Of lost promises and dreams turned to dust,
The Sun slowly sets on the horizon,
taking my dreams with it, it seems,
Lord, I ask you for you made me,
what are the plans that you forsee?
Puzzled, confused , I want my answers now,
the future is full of Why? When? and How?

An aching soul, a watered down smile,
Downcast eyes, tears brimming, trickle down in a while,
all the guilt and the shame, resurface again,
my mind it plays all the tricks again,
Sin must be the cause, I am the one to blame,
maybe I deserve to feel all of this pain
Self pity creeps in and makes my soul its home,
I single out my pain, and doubt if God really knows.


I close my eyes again to concentrate and strain my ears
to hear the gentle whisper that speaks through the storm,
Cacophony reigns, I cannot hear His Voice,
I am convinced and dejected,
That me, He has rejected,
That's the end of my tether, I am in total despair,
My heart its bruised and hurt, broken beyond repair,
That even God didn't want me, the thought i could not bear.


Suddenly I felt a moistness on my cheek,
I wiped it .. it was blood(!) , I panicked..i freaked,
I looked above my head, to see the source of the blood,
Was suprised to see, twas a picture of the Lord,
It had Him kneeling, His hands folded in prayer,
In Gethsamene, He was laying His heart bare.
Sweat-soaked His forehead, bloodied His brow,
the drop that trickled onto me, was a symbol of love,
Sacrificing His Life as He died upon the tree,
The Purpose of Calvary was to set me free,

He said to me with kind voice, as I held my face to His,
"When alone upon that Cross, I felt exactly like this,
I couldn't hear my Father and cacophony reigned
I called out to my Father and ignorance He feigned,
It broke my Spirit to think that by Him I was rejected,
My heart too was bruised and broken beyond repair,
That my Father did not want me, the thought I too could not bear.
but then I commited my Spirit to his hands, trusted him with all my might
And as I looked heavenward, I saw Him in his glorious light
His arms were open wide, his eyes brimming with tears,
Well done my Son, He said. "Against the Devil, you put up a good fight."

His answer surprised me, I realised with a start,
That Jesus too had felt that way,was indeed a humbling thought,
So I wiped my tears, mustered up my faith and closed my eyes again,
but this time it was different, for I saw My Father through my Pain,
These days when in times of doubt and fear, I strain my ears to hear His voice,
Cacophony still reigns, there is still a lot of noise,
But then I lift my heart, heavenward and whisper a silent prayer,
Father I know you are like my shadow, with me everywhere,
I rest assured and peaceful, though around me there's despair,
My Saviour also felt this way, He was also there.