Happy Birthday to Me!

turned thirty today and now thirty doesn't seem old...back in school we would talk of thirty year olds as though they were 60...but now at 30 having completed 3 decades of life, 'old' is the last thing i am feeling....may because this birthday is so veryspecial to me....very very significant....am a Mommee now...Joshua my little son is born to me this year....my mom was 21 when she had me and i was 21 when i got married, which means she was as young as 42, but when mylittle one is 21...i would have already completed my Golden Jubilee...sheesh, now that does feel a little old...Maybe when i do touch 50...old is the last thing i will feel...Until then look on the bright side, it will be so much easier for Joshua to calculate his mother's age since she is a multiple of 10 as compared to his age....Knowing my dyslexia towards Math (and I sure hope the little boy hasn't inherited that gene!) these tricks should come in handy for calculations...\

Sheesh...how random is that....it is my birthday and i celebrated it in style....Pa took me for a great dinner at this amazing seven star hotel called Dream...Ma and Joshua in tow, we had a fantastic buffet...husbandji is away in delhi so maybe i will have another celebration there....now, let's just see!!! Until then I will be 30 going on 13!!

Ghosts of the Past - Musings on a Holy Saturday in 2009

They crept up around her, she didn’t know a thing. They startled and scared her. They even surprised her. Were they still lurking around…lurking around in the dark corners of her soul, her heart, her very being? These Ghosts of the Past!

She had read somewhere that time is the greatest healer, she had even believed it, had hope in it and for a little less than a decade she had also been able to live it to the fullest but may be some sores are just too deep to be healed completely. Those years gone by were blissful…blissful because of the associated oblivion…she became innately aware of the fact that it was indeed only the oblivion which had kept them away…only the oblivion…because they were still lurking, lurking in the dark corners of her heart…These Ghosts of the Past!

And now she stood face to face, they were staring at her, laughing mercilessly, poking fun at her…These Ghosts of the Past.

She wanted to run…run far far away… for the truth and the pain of this was bitter...Why was the truth of it bitter? Strangely because the Truth was one big Lie and there was nothing she could do to change that. She felt extremely helpless in the face of it and try as she might, she could not change it…the sorrow overwhelmed her as she dwelt upon the absurdity of life and another’s life having such a deep impact upon her.
Why? Why? Why? Certain questions are much like hitting one’s head upon a wall. Other than the hurt and the bloodied state of the head, there is nothing one can gain out of this.

She had moved on, or so she thought. But when they came for her again, she felt like a soldier without his armour…the open battlefield and the enemy advancing…They mocked at her, jeered at her, called her names…these Ghosts of the Past.

But she thought she was made of stronger stuff…she had matured over the years. Mellowed a great deal, Life had been gracious but also taught her some beautiful lessons. But today she felt helpless; she had abhorred that feeling, that feeling of helplessness where she could do nothing. Nothing she said or did seem to make any difference. Oh! How she loathed that feeling, that emotion of being less loved despite having gone the extra mile.

She turned her face away, her eyes tightly shut, the brimming tears could hold on no longer, they gave up their balancing act and trickled down from the rims of her eyes. Then a strange peace wafted around her…a strange peace…the kind that passeth all understanding.
Her mind took her to a Face, disfigured, with a broken jaw, wounds on every inch of space on that Face, a bloodied mess! Yet through it she saw a smile…the smile startled her. How could one smile through all this pain? The smile seemed to say…I felt the same, yesterday…

Yesterday?... yesterday was Good Friday.

Note: Dear readers, perhaps a lot of you are wondering about the meaning of this post. That Saturday, I was thinking about how certain memories in our life just lie there...events, ideas, thoughts we think we have gotten over and then suddenly when they rear up again, how we are caught unawares. i was just pondering on that thought, when these words flowed on to form this post...I didn't think too much before penning down this post...just allowed my fingers to type effortlessly and speak whatever was coming to mind...perhaps some one can find a reflection of themselves, an old fear, a little guilt, a feeling of being hurt...resurfacing and causing us to gasp...So what is it that we do....I gave it back to the One who took away all the pain, all the sins, all the trauma, threw it in the deep, blue sea and as some nice preacher said it, 'He put up a sign saying- NO FISHING'

Hmmm!

That title aptly describes my current state of mind. I have slipped into pondering mode. Just finished polishing off a plate of pazham pori...etekya appam for those from Kottayam side...Plaintain bhajjis for the Non-mallus and Banana Fritters for the completely uninitiated...I can't explain any further. I am not particularly a fan of these fritters...i am not fond of the fruit Banana in general and Kerala has a variety of these...I wish it had more varieties of orange which is my favourite fruit.
So you're probably wondering why then did I 'polish' of the entire plate...well the entire plate had just 4 fritters on it...they were piping hot and if you were enjoying Cochin weather currently you would have also gorged on these!
It is 6:30in the evening at Cochin and we have just had a nice little shower of rain, that has the atmosphere really nice and cool...I love the rains when I am sitting at home...the way one enjoys Delhi rains is with a hot cuppa Chai and some garma garm pakodas - in Cochin it is with a hot cuppa Chaaya and some amazing 'etekya appams'... different strokes for different folks....After that satisfying snacking...my tummy is all well- fed and saying..burp...
May be the title of the post ought to be Mmmm! and not Hmmm!

Trying to Get back after a Hiatus

Tis' been a long time...hence aptly termed a Hiatus..but I guess the more important thing is to be back. So here I am...willing and wanting to write....I do hope there is no hiatus post this Post.

Love, PottersClay

Taxi Cab Chatter

Well, its strange how certain phenomena can have such a deep effect on people. Take the simple case of the place where I work, I have cabs that pick and drop me from work. The last I remember being picked and dropped was when I was in school. A red coloured ChunMun transport bus would pick us from the bus stop where a bunch of us would wait with eager anticipation. The driver was usually a surly old man with a patchy face and it was usual for him to first twirl his moushtache and watch us as we boarded the bus and then look nonchalantly across the road to see if there was some poor soul, who was late and was running at top speed, flaying her arms and the pig tails, red ribbons coming undone, with a parent in tow,carrying her bag or tiffin. The driver would more often than not, accelarate in a bid to make the already harried student, run like a sprinter running her last Olympic.
The next "pick and drop" was when I was in college - the wait for the U-Special, the last minute scramble for seats, ah! the madness, it was worth every memory I have. Those were then and to my mind, pick ups and drops were meant for student life.

But then came the Outsourcing culture, offices in the outskirts of Delhi,nocturnal work timings and with that came the now prevalent culture of taxi cabs. Well, they certainly are a welcome relief from the ordeal of waiting incessantly at a bus stop or haggling with crazy autowallahs. Most companies add 'Free Cabs' as an means to motivate people to take a job at a place that is 65 kms away from home and no person in a sane mind would choose to travel that distance on his own.

The cabs, apart from the fact that they transport one from office to home and home to office are also a great team building factor. For example, my cab mates have changed nearly thrice since I joined, which means that I know atleast 10 new people in the office.

The radio plays a huge role in binding unlikely cab mates. The nonsensical chit-chat of the friendly Radio Jockey can set many a conversations starting. It can cause a flurry of giggles amongst hitherto unknown people, who are now joined in laughter at the silliness of that one joke. And then with time, you become better colleagues, friends and better people. I know of people who are sad to leave a particular cab because they get so attached to the group.

From discourses on cooking, to palmistry, to sharing a common passion for food. Discovering new facts: Did you know that the Nawabi name of Golgappas is Paani Ke Bataashe or that in Bihar, the humble Paani poori is also known as 'Gupchup'. From discussing irritating landlords, to finding a place on rent, to discussing the significance of a 'Fast on Monday/ Thursday... These cab conversations are light hearted and can take one's mind off the crazy schedule at work. Those 60 minutes in the cab are exclusive and worth it.

For my blog

Hi! after sooooooooooo long....are you mad at me? i guess you are..i know you are and well! you have every right to be and so i am not going to waste your time offering any apologies that you are not going to accept anyway...nevertheless i will be modest and admit that i haven't been able to see you in a long time...that does not however change/affect/ modify any of the feelings that i do have for you. I still love and respect you for who you are and what you mean to me. It is just that i don't think i need to say sorry because it will sound so empty.
I hope the fact that i did come around though after nearly three months.....does mean something to you and makes up for that gap?!!

Alright! alright...if that does not make you very happy let me tell you something that will...i am sure you are not aware of this but people have been catching a glimpse of you and admiring you..you know. Aww! you're blushin'!! You have the privilege to! After all, you are my blog aren't you?
so no promises now..cos i can't seem to keep up with them, but i do want you to know that telling you how i feel about people, things, the weather, my highs and lows is so very satisfying. To cut a long story short....I love you blog....Stay in touch with me okayyyy!!!!! a ton of Muddugaoo to you...

P.S. Muddugaoo is what Shobhana said to Mohanlal in the award winning Mallu hit..Thenmaavin Komabathu...it means Kisses in some nice tribal dialect.
The movie ofcourse is a Must Watch.. Adios Amigo...(just for now!!)

I am not the Lost Son....I am the Lost Sheep

I haven't blogged for a long time now. not that thoughts and ideas haven't come...not that I have lost all interest, it is just that I have been struggling with some of the lessons that God has been trying to teach me.

Simple truths are the most complicated to drive home....A paradox isn't it?! Well, that's what my life has been for the past months. A fellow blogger, blogged on her blog saying that she would write about her not-so triumphant experiences, while she was going through them rather than wait for God to work a miracle, experience the deliverance and then write a testimony. That thought mirrored my own existence and left a deep impression within me.

To not wait to see God's deliverance...but to believe that He who called me is faithful and has given me victory already.

the last two weeks since we came back from our trip home, the husband and I seem to be having these never ending bickerings. they usually start off as something small but then i can see the proverb...Making a Mountain out of a Molehill literally come to life. then the entire family gets dragged in, we start calling each other names and then another proverb comes to life...Anger is a letter short of Danger. When we go through the fight, it almost feels like it will never ever end, thankfully it does. And almost always, in the aftermath of it, I fall silent and seeth with guilt and shame. and then I make all these tall claims about how I will never fight, never talk an ill word, never joke too much in fact I won't talk at all and will and maintain a 'distance.' It Never Works... because Communication is the core of a Christ ordained marriage. The other day, just after one of those quarrels, I sat down with my Bible, tears flowing down my cheeks. I knew I was in the wrong and God kept convicting me as to how I had let anger conquer me. About how I had shown disrepect to my Godly husband.

And then began this conversation within me. Me and Jesus.

I said," Lord, I don't know my way back to you. i don't know how to control my anger. I feel far from your presence.
God was quiet. I could not hear anything.
I sobbed a while and told the Lord that I needed consoling. that i felt alone, very unloved and very unworthy. my self worth had hit an all time low and I was falling for all of Satan's tricks.

LORD! I CAN'T BE THE LOST SON AND COME BACK TO YOU...I AM THE LOST SHEEP.... I NEED YOU TO FIND ME....LEAVE THE 99 AND FIND ME LORD!!!

the thought startled me, and as it pervaded my senses, it filled me with an inexplicable calm. Yes! He would come to search for me, if I didn't know the way back. I felt like a little child, her little ego hurt, who out of sheer sadness and her own inability to obey had given up.....but the Father wouldn't give up. he would leave the rest and come in search of me!! My perspective changed and I prayed with confidence.

God healed the little blister in our marriage immediately.