I haven't blogged for a long time now. not that thoughts and ideas haven't come...not that I have lost all interest, it is just that I have been struggling with some of the lessons that God has been trying to teach me.
Simple truths are the most complicated to drive home....A paradox isn't it?! Well, that's what my life has been for the past months. A fellow blogger, blogged on her blog saying that she would write about her not-so triumphant experiences, while she was going through them rather than wait for God to work a miracle, experience the deliverance and then write a testimony. That thought mirrored my own existence and left a deep impression within me.
To not wait to see God's deliverance...but to believe that He who called me is faithful and has given me victory already.
the last two weeks since we came back from our trip home, the husband and I seem to be having these never ending bickerings. they usually start off as something small but then i can see the proverb...Making a Mountain out of a Molehill literally come to life. then the entire family gets dragged in, we start calling each other names and then another proverb comes to life...Anger is a letter short of Danger. When we go through the fight, it almost feels like it will never ever end, thankfully it does. And almost always, in the aftermath of it, I fall silent and seeth with guilt and shame. and then I make all these tall claims about how I will never fight, never talk an ill word, never joke too much in fact I won't talk at all and will and maintain a 'distance.' It Never Works... because Communication is the core of a Christ ordained marriage. The other day, just after one of those quarrels, I sat down with my Bible, tears flowing down my cheeks. I knew I was in the wrong and God kept convicting me as to how I had let anger conquer me. About how I had shown disrepect to my Godly husband.
And then began this conversation within me. Me and Jesus.
I said," Lord, I don't know my way back to you. i don't know how to control my anger. I feel far from your presence.
God was quiet. I could not hear anything.
I sobbed a while and told the Lord that I needed consoling. that i felt alone, very unloved and very unworthy. my self worth had hit an all time low and I was falling for all of Satan's tricks.
LORD! I CAN'T BE THE LOST SON AND COME BACK TO YOU...I AM THE LOST SHEEP.... I NEED YOU TO FIND ME....LEAVE THE 99 AND FIND ME LORD!!!
the thought startled me, and as it pervaded my senses, it filled me with an inexplicable calm. Yes! He would come to search for me, if I didn't know the way back. I felt like a little child, her little ego hurt, who out of sheer sadness and her own inability to obey had given up.....but the Father wouldn't give up. he would leave the rest and come in search of me!! My perspective changed and I prayed with confidence.
God healed the little blister in our marriage immediately.
