secret diary of Yours Truly

One of the things I loved and still love to do is write diaries....

I don't know how many people write diaries but even as a young girl I loved to write these 'secret' notes in 'my diary'...the notes were often a source of shame and embarrassment with an inquisitive little brother reading aloud, my  sometimes 'irreverent' thoughts penned down in the book that for me was just a notch below the Bible...a tirade of questions, a massive fist fight, warnings from Amma and some tears later the diary would be returned to its rightful owner for safekeeping away from the prowling eyes of the brat....

sometimes the diary entries would not be publicly read out but would be used as a threat....Do this or I will spill the beans....and the goody two shoes that i was I never did want to get into trouble....well, i mean who does?

At one point it was such an addiction that I would write on any page I found and often forget to tear them, leaving the world to read my anxious thoughts....it pained me when the 'world' read and laughed....my mother gently chiding me not to leave my 'thoughts' lying around!

I remember this particular incident, when a cousin staying with us, coolly read my diary and then in all earnestness went and reported to my mother about my first crush (perhaps she feared that I would elope with the fellow!)....Amma ofcourse handled it with  her signature style...Cool Head and Hard Hitting Words....I still remember my eyes stinging with tears while wishing for a safe secret place for my diary.

The diary was often a gift from Amma, one from the many diaries that she got as a New Year gift at the office. These usually had 'Bank of XYZ' or 'ABC Co Ltd' emblazoned on the cover, sometimes with Ma's name embossed to add that 'special customer-is queen' touch to an otherwise boring looking book which would slip away into oblivion under the piles of files on any table.It was a nondescript, mostly maroon/brown rexine bound book, the first 50 pages of which were usually filled with irrelevant-to-my-teen-mind, phone numbers of police, fire stations, banks,branches of banks etc..etc..etc.

Writing diaries started as a way to admire my own handwriting....to write pages and pages of neat gibberish that made complete sense to me, then it began to feature in my list of 'hobbies' ...that actually helped me handle awkward conversations with people I didn't know. Sample this:

Appa and Amma at a get together introduce me to a girl they want me to be friends with (you know how parents can be....'Go play with her' they would say....as if we had known each other forever..).

Girl (daddy's friend's brother's cousin's friend's daughter) : Hi! I am EneyWon

Me:  Yeah! Hi!...hmm,umm!...what are your hobbies?

Girl: Singing, Dancing...painiting

Me: I love to write diaries....

Girl: Oh! wow!....

And the conversation flows.....

Soon it became a thrill to own your very own secret...eventually though, after i realised that my 'privacy' was threatened by my curious little sibling and at the advice of Mother dearest who feared that my silly and harmless stories and idiotic imagination would be fodder for many unnecessary conversations at home , I decided to give up on diary writing.....it lasted for some time until I resumed diary writing this time with adequate 'safety measures' like picking up the most boring looking diary and starting the page with 'Dear Jesus' and not 'Dear diary', hiding it behind a pile of lingerie and away from prying eyes....(he wouldn't look at girly stuff anyway!!!).....

With the passage of time, the entries underwent a transformation....I would write pages and pages...'Dear God,today was a good day/sad day...I began sharing.my disappointments, loneliness, grief, anger, happy things, scary things....often as I wrote, I felt a voice chiding me if I were moping in self-pity, or humbling me if I had my head in the clouds......and diary writing transformed into recording prayers...."dear Jesus" became a more meaningful entry and topics ranged from the sundry to the serious....sometimes after a couple of months of writing an entry, I would read it to find that the issue had been sorted appropriately....From the petty to the most profound....I had never known a God who was so interested in the details....something miraculous was happening....I knew this because I was recording this in the diary....prayers were being answered and I was being transformed......

I still find it extremely liberating to write a Prayer diary....though i don't write regularly (There are no prying eyes, they've grown up and have their own prayer requests, I'm sure)  and I recommend it to you...write down your prayer request, however simplistic or sophisticated and submit it to God and then when you flip through those pages, you will see His faithfulness....

However there are some things I don't write about, things I cannot express.....but even when I don't ' record', I rest assured, that He knows what what's written on my heart!

For my blog

Hi! after sooooooooooo long....are you mad at me? i guess you are..i know you are and well! you have every right to be and so i am not going to waste your time offering any apologies that you are not going to accept anyway...nevertheless i will be modest and admit that i haven't been able to see you in a long time...that does not however change/affect/ modify any of the feelings that i do have for you. I still love and respect you for who you are and what you mean to me. It is just that i don't think i need to say sorry because it will sound so empty.
I hope the fact that i did come around though after nearly three months.....does mean something to you and makes up for that gap?!!

Alright! alright...if that does not make you very happy let me tell you something that will...i am sure you are not aware of this but people have been catching a glimpse of you and admiring you..you know. Aww! you're blushin'!! You have the privilege to! After all, you are my blog aren't you?
so no promises now..cos i can't seem to keep up with them, but i do want you to know that telling you how i feel about people, things, the weather, my highs and lows is so very satisfying. To cut a long story short....I love you blog....Stay in touch with me okayyyy!!!!! a ton of Muddugaoo to you...

P.S. Muddugaoo is what Shobhana said to Mohanlal in the award winning Mallu hit..Thenmaavin Komabathu...it means Kisses in some nice tribal dialect.
The movie ofcourse is a Must Watch.. Adios Amigo...(just for now!!)

Breakfast for the Boys- John 21

Uh! okay, Bloggie...so you're mad at me for not visiting you in a while. Well, I haven't been able to give much thought to my words or rather I haven't been able to give words to my thoughts...See! how confused I am! Anyways this one is a rant...to be read by all the readers of this blog. I mean, why can't people leave a comment on the blog itself? Unless they want to say something really nasty, which has not happened thus far. It would make me really happy,to see a comment on this blog. It is so encouraging to see a mail saying 'New Comment' on blog. but i get to hear it on mail or in person or on the telephone.
Come to think of it, we are all such social creatures...atleast I am. I am amazed at myself because when I started this blog I told myself that this was only my free mind putting across my free thoughts and that I 'didn't care' if someone read them or not.Well, it doesn't seem like I am holding on to that philosophy any longer. I want to be read and encouraged!!!

Personally I think encouragement is just so important in life. To be told that what we do/ did is good or that it makes a difference.. I am sure it is the same case with most people, Encouragement works like magic. Flattery ofcourse, doesn't get one anywhere but true encouragement can do wonders to the soul. Christ is a great Encourager.

I am reminded of the time when after the Crucifixion and the Resurrection, the disciples went back to fishing... their old trade, and even after a whole night of toil... they caught no fish..It must have been so disappointing to know that the ocean, once their 'friend and mainstay' who had always given itself in abundance to them, was suddenly 'empty'. And then they see Jesus who encourages them to cast their nets to the 'other' side. And what a catch it was ...153, silvery, slippery, delicious fish!. The disciples' eyes' must have popped out of their sockets.
Methinks, when Jesus said cast it on the other side, He meant cast it onto the side of 'faith'; this was the hitherto unseen side of the ocean - the ' faith side' that the disciples had missed seeing.
Also note how Christ doesn't get angry at them for getting back to their 'old ways', back to fishing. He could have been irritated and told them that He had, for three years, taught them to be Fishers of Men! but yet the minute He was crucified, they thought all had ended and they went back to fishing. Three years of training, of prayer, of seeing miracles, of preparation all gone down the drain....in this case down the sea!!

It is like Amma taking three hours to teach me Math and I shake my head to show that I understand and yet after half-an-hour, I still make the same error... it is so exasperating.
As a leader and as the Son of Man, He may have been disappointed but as God, as Father, He didn't get angry that they had gone 'back to square one.' Instead there too, He fulfilled their need and asked them to cast their nets on the other side.

i believe that Jesus did this to show that even in our daily everyday things , things that we think, we know like the back of our palm and yet we err in - even in those things God can work.
The disciples, were confident, while Christ was with them (in human form) and while they were with Him, they were genuinely 'good boys' who did everything without question and wanted to please Him, even if it didn't make sense to untie an unknown person's little donkey and to tell Him, that the Master' had asked for it.

Even in my walk with the Lord, there are moments when I am so filled with His spirit that all I want to do is please Him, yet there are other times when i don't know how to pray and I try all my old ways. But He gently chides me for not casting on the 'faith side', but never gets angry. He understands our fraility as human beings, yours and mine. I am sure it must have disappointed Him nonetheless that His disciples, who were literally His shadow, and whom He had prepared for such a great Commission, when He was no more with them in physical form, they did not realise His spiritual presence and went back to their old trade.
Yet He encourages...he blesses them with another miracle and this time not only do they catch fish, they catch 153, their nets stay unharmed and what's more He is waiting on the shore, ready to cook Breakfast for the Boys....what a loving Father , Friend, Encourager, God!!

Which brings me back to my rant that I wish that people who read my blog would encourage me by posting their comments on my Blog itself. Try it people, it will make this blogger really happy..

My Brother's Prayer

It wasn't eloquent, words cascading like waterfalls, there wasn't much clarity of thought or the choicest vocabulary. Yet it was one of the most beautiful prayers I had ever heard. It is something that has stayed with me as a beautiful reminder of the fact that when we talk to people we are guarded, our speech seasoned with salt, our words carefully chosen, but with God...there are no such rules...He is the only one who understands the gibberish in our prayers. My brother's prayer was simple, straightforward and from the heart, in fact he has not even bothered to change the words of his prayer- what he was taught at the age of 6 has stayed with him as he turns 26. Family prayer was an integral part of our growing up years. I still recall Amma constantly calling..."Shilpa, Ashish come to pray." This Azaan (Call for Prayer) was a daily ritual at 6:40 am, just before we left for school. Appa would invariably be under the sheet or razai (depending on the weather), staring sleepily at the newspaper trying his best to look as 'fresh' as possible so his little ones did not feel that they had a raw deal in getting up so early for school. There was always a certain order to our family prayer and we both knew how it was supposed to be. First, Amma would read the Bible, then the Daily Reading, my brother would pray first, then I and finally Appa would pray in Malayalam and we would then round it off with the Lord's prayer. Then a mad scramble to the bus stop. Tiffin boxes shoved into our bags, down a glass of milk and we were off! Amma taught both of us the first prayer we ever prayed.

• It had to start with a Thankyou to Jesus for the morning that he had blessed us with.
• Then a list of all the 'important' people in our lives whom we had to 'bless' in His name
• Any people/relatives who were ill and needed special prayers. I remember us praying for the heart operation of amachy's sister. She had a hole in her heart.
• Any known people travelling were prayed for and wished a safe journey.
• Exam days meant special prayers for an ' easy question paper '
• Special events like birthdays, anniversaries of dear ones were also remembered.
  

It has been years since those days of family prayer. Much has changed. My prayer has become more eloquent. I do feel blessed that God has given me the ability to remember verses and to pray. I know it is His grace. I can recall verses and parables and I pray using those, with no other intention, but to make my prayer more meaningful and to glorify the Lord and once in a while earn a compliment or two. but I feel guilty that sometimes I find myself 'practising' my prayers because i want to impress!! But Ashish, I know, is very content with his style of praying, sure of himself and knowing well, that flattery or spouting long verses are not going to get him anywhere with the Lord who knows him for what he is. I remember him in his teen years, arguing with Amma to raise the curfew time of 9 for him to get home. Whatever time he came back, however tired he may be, I would see him sit up on his bed, hands folded, eyes tight shut, lips sometimes silently moving in serious prayer. He is no saint, though my grandma would vouch that there ' Aint no Sun, shinier than her golden Boy', he did all the naughty things that boys his age do, he got caught for most of them, but everyday in his own way, he went back in prayer to his Redeemer, baring his soul, seeking forgiveness, making candid confessions, asking for counsel from the One who made him.

As of now we are all in different places Cochin, Delhi - and my brother Ashish is in another continent! But I miss hearing him pray. To this day, I am sure he prays the same way. and you know what....I am also sure that the Lord listens.

Dear Ashish, you just turned 26, last Sunday, and I believe that you prayed the same prayer in your heart as you rose from bed...the one that Amma taught you. I may have never mentioned this but I want you to know that I am truly impressed by your prayer. it is sincere and from the heart with no pretensions. i do hope that the simplistic zeal with which you pray will keep you closer in your walk with the Lord at all times. Your compassion, kindness and the loving heart that you are blessed with are qualities that will hold you in good stead. All those around you feel truly blessed by your life and I pray that in the coming years too, you continue to bless our lives. I pray that the Lord blesses you abundantly and my fervent wish for you is that in the coming years, you continue to pray and grow in the Lord and pass on the prayer to the next generation..the same prayer that Appa and Amma taught us years ago is the prayer that is keeping us alive and united even as we are miles apart . God Loves you and SO DO I !!!!
Happy birthday Bro!!!

Methinks

Have been doing a lot of thinking lately. lots of thoughts crossing my mind. you know sometimes my mind so full of things and keeps jumping from one thing to another, that i cannot concentrate. it is as though i am on this merry go-round and things are just whizzing past me. so methinks this post is going to be about all the things that i have been thinking about.
i thought a great deal about live-in relationships versus marriage, when a friend mentioned it. so is it becoming the preferred way of life? I think Convenience has taken over Commitment. Preferences now depend on this basic premise. I used to think that may be guys would prefer a live-in and not women. i presumed women were more hell-bent on the commitment aspect. then again, maybe they want a live-in to eventually become marriage. Or they probably want it only for societal reasons. i don't have too many thoughts on it...but i don't want to be judgemental without knowing the reasons as to why people prefer it that way. As for me, i am a stickler for marriage...guess I belong to the Archaic School of Thought.

God's also been speaking to me about being in His Light.When I say being in His light I am referring to 1 John 1. i have met so many people who are scared to make that commitment to Christ, i have begun to believe that it has a lot to do with walking in the Light. Walking in the Light means not only that God can see You but that You can see yourself in that light. And that Scares the Hell out of you!
it used to do that to me also. I made a commitment to Christ about a decade ago, before that i was just a Christian, but i really committed myself to Christ about a decade ago and I struggle in my Walk in the Light. Because You see yourself for who you are. You suddenly become transparent. God keeps convicting and congratulating you depending on your deed.So much so that many times, I can hear the Spirit tell me that this is wrong, I mean He shows it to me in His Light. There are some days I feel I look really ugly and somedays I feel so beautiful.
Commitment would definitely mean seeing yourself in His light. the awareness of the filth in the soul is painful and fearful.

God's also nudging me to think of my larger purpose. I have been asking God to help me find out what He wants me to achieve. Maybe even through this blog? He has been convicting me about this blog too. There are times when i think my aim becomes glorifying myself and not God through this blog. i mean i am thinking of how to make my blog more readable and try and use good vocabulary to impress. but that wasn't the purpose of Musings by Pottersclay.I should have thought hard and long when i named my blog. You see being Potter's Clay is tough.

Random thoughts

You taught me much, even against my will, you stilled my soul and taught me peace within,
These last twelve months, a learning curve, i hope some purpose they will serve,
another year gone, some lessons learnt, how not to get my fingers burnt,
I'll tell them young ones,as time goes by, of the lessons learnt and the fingers burnt.

The year 2007 AD is officially over. I am beholding 2008 AD. A New Year has rolled in. A leap year....another year. But I have not made any resolutions for the New Year....not yet. Instead I am looking back - and in retrospect, 2007 was such a jam-packed year. I notice that the past year, has impacted me a great deal, I find myself dwelling on the events long after they are over. Emotionally, many times, I have experienced exhilaration and exhaustion.

Death was a prominent newsmaker for most of the first half of the year, I attended many funerals including my own Ammachy's funeral. Kangazha ammachy, as we fondly called her, lived till the ripe old age of 85. I oscillated between accepting the profoundity and inevitablity of death of the elderly and coming to terms with the seeming absurdity in the untimely demise of young people, many of them in the prime of their lives. Their Funerals, had a humbling effect on me. A grim yet hopeful reminder of the fact that though death is inevitable, it is important to live the Abundant life, each day...everyday. 2007 was also time for baby boom. so many couples, I knew were either having their children or fell pregnant. I gushed at many of those babies, blessed them within my heart. Many young hearts were united in Holy Martimony pledging their lives together forever. I was also silent witness, to many couples choosing to end their matrimony, their lives separate forever.

Personally, changes and challenges were in plenty. I witnessed the ultimate mayhem created by the MCD sealing. With no clear directives in place, and rules changing everyday, the newspaper notices were our closest ally in understanding whether we fell within the ' to be sealed' zone. Unfortunately, for us, we did and our space was sealed and overnite, we had no office to work out of. The hunt to find a good office space, brought me in close proximity with landlords and property dealers, a shrewd lot of people most times wanting to palm off a not-so-appropriate premises, to a desperate tenant, almost always on their terms. The good side was that through those trying times, I learnt to appreciate, the strength and wisdom of Mancha (Manoj) my husband, whose confidence in me kept me going. There were other changes too. I changed my job, we changed our car, I travelled 4 times to Kochi, celebrated my Anney ammachy's 80th birthday in April, i created my own blog, met old friends on Orkut etc etc etc...the list is endless. through it all, there were many lessons learnt...many unlearnt, these events taught me a great deal, they have changed my impressions about people, about things, about events. They helped in shaping my view about life.They are part of the effort of making me the Unique Woman of God that Christ has intended me to be. They have taught me to see the hand of God in my life. He has a reason and a season for everything!!!

As I behold 2008, i am overawed by the presence of the Lord in my life. What am I that the Lord who created the universe is so in love with me!!! " You are His favourite" my friend remarked with a pinch of friendly jealousy, in a conversation we had sometime ago.Though said in passing, it was a comment that left me feeling very good. it was one thing to be favourite friend, daughter, sister, quite another to be called God's favourite. I know God has no favourites, He loves all His children but there is something magical about His love that whoever He loves, if the person chooses to revel in that love, will always feel that God loves him/her as though he/she were the last person on the planet!!! well! that's Jesus for you!!!

i want to end this post with the following verses from a song, coincidentally these were also on my wedding card....this will sum up my expectations of the year 2008!

I do not know what lies ahead, the way I cannot see, but one stands near to be my guide, He'll show the way to me, I know He holds the future, He will guide me with His hands, with God, Things Don't just happen.....everything by Him is planned.

So is it going to be just another year in my life...hopefully not.....Happy New Year, everyone!!!

Initial Rush of Excitement?!

I guess it is the 'new-ness' of my owning a blog that's causing such a stir in my life. i seem to be wanting to write and write and write. i think it is the same with most things. the first time always seems so exciting, the first ray of dawn( though my husband will swear I have never woken up that early to see it!...maybe someday I will), the first monsoon showers in a year, the first crush, the first kiss, the first born....there is indeed a beauty in seeing and experiencing something for the first time.
But then being number one, being the first to know...why is it so important to be the First...is it just something in my head or is it really all that important to be the first!
i think the measuring scale of the world and the Kingdom of God are so different. Because whosoever is last here is going to be the First to enter Heaven. So then, what do I do...Give way...obviously..humble myself and give way to the significant other. Hmmm! i am beginning to sound profound.

But it all began with my wondering about my initial excitement on being a first-time owner of my own blog. I hope i am able to keep my promises to you always, dear blog. its great to know that i can 'write' my mind. read what i have written. make changes in my way of thinking. document stuff!!! Bloggie dear, you and i are going to be friends for a long time.

A Few (?) of my Favourite Things

Dear blog, it has been a rather dull day so far, but i thought that writing to you would cheer me up. The Holy Spirit is reminding me that the Joy of the Lord is my strength. But I don't feel any joy and so I don't seem to have any strength.
But i think i am going to tell the Devil to mind his own business and leave me to inculcate joy...yes i am going to plant some seeds of joy, by listing a few of my favourite things. Hmmm! so what's it going to be.

#Memories of Amma waking me up with tea and that familiar call - "Shilpa, shilpa...aye sheeloo...utho...utho"

#Jesus Christ springing up a surprise by leading me to 'Just what I needed to hear.'

#Manu's indulgence of me...he spoils me rotten with his brand of pampering.

#Lasagna from Slice of Italy. Mmm!...Mixed Meat and Chicken MeatSauce Lasagna!!!
#Silver jewellery/ Black metal jewellery
#Block printed salwar-kurtas
#Mirror-worked stuff
#Spicy golgappas and aloo tikki
#Steaming hot, chicken momos from that little Market behind B-2, Safdarjung Enclave.
#Great gospel music from MSS, Khan Market
#Banoffie Pie at Big Chill
#Tuna Sub at Subway
#Razia's home-cooked food

Those were a few of my favourite things! :)

Wisen up...Folks!

Recently, I joined a new workplace and it has been about a month of being here. I am in, what my bosses call ' the honeymoon period'. The 'honey moon period’ for the uninitiated, is a time of professional oblivion, where we are officially engaged for about 3 hours in a given work day and the rest is left to us to utilize according to our wishes. As for me, I read a great deal to occupy myself, be it the newspaper, a paperback or the Bible. In fact it is a great time for me to read from the Word.

However, I am deeply aware of the fact that once the said period is over, I will be expected to have utilized, fruitfully the 7 hours of my so-called bliss.
I am overwhelmed by the whole atmosphere since it is an area completely new to me. I am intrigued, enthralled and amazed and have discovered a new found respect for the computer. For a novice (to computers) like me, where the usage of the computer was limited to email, games and Google search, I am amazed at the limitless possibilities and the endless combinations that can yield results through this current 'object' of my affection. But I had been battling with anxiety about the absolutely new nature of the work, the new terms and all the jargon related to the field of computers and IT.
Last week while I was reading from the Book of Kings, God led me to the story of King Solomon. Solomon, when he took over the reins of his empire was going to head a very large and prosperous nation. Israel was at its zenith under King David, God had showered his favour on King David and the land was reasonably happy during his reign. However, Solomon’s ascendancy to the throne was wrought with in-fighting, jealousy and there was a great deal of bad blood as he took over. There were many who were eyeing the throne and many who wanted to capture power. Yet God in His wonderful plan chose Solomon and circumstances led to David announcing Solomon as King.

Solomon was acutely aware of his unpopularity among his brothers who were plotting against him and wanting to stake claim to his position. Also all of this was new to him, new responsibilities, new position, new expectations....it must have scared him to death too!!

And so when God asked Solomon as to what is the one thing he wanted the most- He could have asked for strength, in fact I think he should have asked for strength to fight all the bad guys but instead he asked for ‘wisdom’ and a ‘discerning heart’. Notice the fact that not only does he ask God for a hitherto unusual gift ever asked by a King, he also wanted to use his heart to take the right decisions for his kingdom. How I wish the leaders of our country, our church and society would seek these gifts too.

More importantly, I realized that this meant that just as Solomon, I too could ASK for Wisdom at my new job. This may be new territory, unfamiliar environs, a new position, with new expectations of me but I could ask for wisdom and continually ask for wisdom to deal with the situation.
The thought swept over me with peace. It was mine for the asking, it felt so real. For God, Solomon and I are loved equally. For Him, my need for wisdom in the IT field is as important as Solomon's need for governing Israel.
The Scripture goes on to state that the Lord was so pleased with Solomon’s choice of gift that He gave him wisdom and wealth and power so there was none like him. Many heard tales of his wisdom and were amazed. Solomon's father, David was known to be passionate about loving God, earning him the epithet of a Man after God's own heart. And yet it was not to David but to Solomon that God gave the privilege of building the Temple for Him.
The greatest lesson I hold on to is that I can ask the Lord for wisdom to understand difficult things rather than to say I cannot learn them. And He will bless me with wisdom and a discerning heart. Are you facing a new situation? Unfamiliar people, unknown areas; be it at your workplace, your relationships, your life...Are you afraid of how you are going to deal with it? Maybe you want to run away. But hang in there and believe that if He has brought you to it, He will bring you through it. So Wisen up, folks and Ask the Lord for Wisdom and He will bless you!!

The First One

Today is an important milestone in my life...I am now the Proud Owner of my very own blog. It may not come as a surprise to you, after all what's the 'big fuss' about owning one's own blog. But I am excited to be able to speak my mind, muse, amuse. Dear blog, You and I are set to create some magic, grow together, add that spice to my mostly mundane life, teach me to live the Abundant Life and who knows...may be we will even create History together. So here's to some eventful and not so eventful days ahead.